you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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