Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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