Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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