I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
