It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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