The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
