My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
