the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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