Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
try to milk me bitch
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