You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
