I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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