Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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