One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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