I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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