She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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