Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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