Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
