Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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