First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
