so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize