god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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