U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
