An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have fence marks all over my body
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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