Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
