I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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