Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
