"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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