Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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