New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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