Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
