I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
