i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
