I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
