Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
