I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
