she woke up with a sticky ear
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
