the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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