i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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