Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
