Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
