Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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