I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
