So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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