i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
