I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
