she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
