Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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