how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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