OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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