WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
