i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
