Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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