Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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