I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
