I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
