Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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