I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize