Your face is a jimmy john
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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