i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
