What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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