you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
